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By: Master Bakey

Back in late July of 2013, Von Miller had to stand in front of a podium and apologize for smoking marijuana. It was probably one of the most embarrassing moments of Miller’s career and it was completely unnecessary. I assure you that most Denver Broncos fans could give a hoot about whether Von Miller smokes weed or not. And yet Von had no choice to stand in front of a bunch of needle neck sport’s journalists while they delivered click-baiting hot takes at this young man’s expense. It’s downright embarrassing.

I would like to personally apologize for the NFL and its beer-schilling, CTE-denying cronies. Smoking weed is dope and you should never have to apologize for it. (Unless you’re a pilot and you smoke weed before you fly. That’s not cool.) So, let’s take a moment and give praise to some of the great NFL players who dominated on the field AND dominated the bong.

Ricky Williams – RB
Ricky was an honor roll student in high school. He holds or shares 20 NCAA records and was an NFL pro-bowler. If you watched him play, he was ruthless on the field, dizzying audiences with his cuts and breakneck speed. And Ricky loves weed SO MUCH he retired early as a big middle finger to the NFL. This guy is a hero.

Randy Moss – WR
Any Denver Broncos fan still feels chills when the name Randy Moss is spoken. I remember him lighting us up every time we played them. You know what else he was lighting up? His hash pipe. And you have trouble getting up to check your refrigerator when you’re stoned.

Mark Stepnoski – C
People called him too small to play in the NFL coming out of college. He went on to win two Super Bowls with the Dallas Cowboys. Oh, and he was the former President of the Texas chapter of NORML. And people say marijuana makes you lazy . . .

Von Miller – OL
Remember when Von Miller singlehandedly put the fear of God in Ben Roethlisberger, Tom Brady, and Cam Newton as the Broncos became World Champs? It seems to me that the only conclusion one can come to here is that weed makes you a champion!

Todd Marinovich – QB
Todd’s nickname during his brief tenure in the NFL was Todd Marijuanavich. But while people were sitting their fat butts on their couches, this guy was playing arguably the hardest position in the game at the highest level. Who knows? Maybe if the NFL wasn’t so puritanical the guy would still be playing. After all, a man has to take the edge off somehow…