The Knockout

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve enjoyed my run over the last six months reviewing various types of premium grade cannabis products and letting the story unfold. For February, I thought it might be fun to recap the events from New Year’s Eve and highlight the destruction caused by a very inconspicuous device, otherwise known as The Knockout.

The sheer combination of simplicity, ingenuity, and physics is astounding – the Canadians have really outdone themselves this time. The Knockout, with it’s rubbery-silicone nozzle/mouthpiece and what appears to be a long, curved aluminum straw, combines two party favorites into one: a beer bong and a one-hitter herb pipe. One simply slides the long end of the straw into their beer bottle of choice, ensures the rubber nozzle secures as the top of the bottle, and packs the curved short end of the straw with the devil’s finest tobacco. Advancing to the next maneuver, the brave soul then turns the bottle upside down, whilst his mouth is wrapped around the open end of the mouthpiece/nozzle (successfully “bonging” a beer), and holds an open flame to the tip of one hitter. Amazingly enough, the negative pressure of the liquid leaving the beer bottle, flips the one way valve at the end of the straw (inside of the bottle) and fills the entire chamber with a thick, cloudy, dank smoke. To complete the process, once the party animal has stopped burping beer bubbles, he flips the bottle back over, and takes a deep rip from the mouthpiece to fill his lungs with the potent vapor. Wash, rinse, repeat – at your own risk. Take it from my experience.

For New Year’s Eve 2016, I thought it would be the perfect setting to give my white elephant christmas present – The Knockout – a whirl. Gathered with some of Dank Media’s finest, we put it to good use. Similarly to the first shot of whiskey you take en route to a night of fuzzy memories, the first bong and rip from The Knockout is harsh – like foam vomit and lung searing harsh. Once the initial shock wears off and the alcohol/THC euphoria sets in, the second go is a breeze. People are starting to get crazy and The Knockout has officially caused a stir at our party. We’re casting lots on the last man standing. In between champagne flutes and whiskey cokes, I elect the bottle of Coors Light over the Racer 5, because after all, I’m trying to “maintain”. I stuff the one hitter with some of Alex’s home grown Blue Dream to invite an uplifting and energizing high. My third successful attempt at The Knockout sends me into a Frank the Tank frenzy. I celebrate with a shot of Jack Daniels. The next fifteen minutes are quite blurry – as the THC / oat soda / brown liquor cocktail metabolizes and then… tthe last man standing. In between champagne flutes and whiskey cokes, I elect the bottle of Coors Light over the Racer 5, because after all, I’m trying to “maintain”. I stuff the one hitter with some of Alex’s home grown Blue Dream to invite an uplifting and energizing high. My third successful attempt at The Knockout sends me into a Frank the Tank frenzy. I celebrate with a shot of Jack Daniels. The next fifteen minutes are quite blurry – as the THC / oat soda / brown liquor cocktail metabolizes and then…

…my world goes black.

I wake up to utter silence and darkness with a searing pain in my neck. I’m conveniently perched in a corner, on the floor of Alex’s basement. Somehow, I’m shirtless and my jeans are torn up and soaked. With my head throbbing, I beeline through the empty beer cans and red solo cups to the toilet and vomit out the rest of last night’s bad decisions. As I’m rinsing myself off in the sink and attempting to wash away my sins (and shakes), I’m startled as I glance into the mirror. Adorning my forehead and chest is some of the most creatively-inspired and detailed dick art I’ve ever seen. Well done my friends, this is going to take a good while and scrub to remove the permanent ink from the first layer of my dermis. Hopeless, I stumble back out to the couch, retrieve my shirt, and faceplant to sleep off the rest of the hangover.

In retrospect, the party was a blast, and 2016 was ushered in, in true fashion. The Knockout certainly lived up to it’s namesake. I’d certainly recommend this ingenious device to any social gathering. In closing, I’d like to challenge you to knock yourself out, and let the hilarity ensue.

Cheers y’all!

THE CANNANOOB

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